What Have We Done?
by CarelessWavesofPleasure
Summary: A story of young Severus Snape. This delves into his home life, his relationship with his mother, his life at school, and the events that formed his adult personality. We see him deal with an abusive parent, and the torment he is subjected to at Hogwarts.
1. Bruised Like Night

Chapter One

AN: I do not own any rights to the Harry Potter books, yada yada legal stuff.

"Severus, bring me my wand."

"But...he'll see, and - "

Severus' mother smiled through her bruises. "He is sleeping off his bottle, dear. Just fetch me the wand."

Severus crept past his parents' bedroom, his hateful father's snores reaching the boy's ears and making him cringe in disgust.

_Worthless Muggle._

He ascended the rickety stairs up to the attic. He inadvertently took in a breath full of dust and coughed. He pushed back the strands of his black hair that hung in his eyes. He yanked the chain connected to a solitary light bulb. He hated using electricity, but his father insisted upon it. He crept into a nook in one corner of the small, dark room and retrieved an oblong box swathed in velvet. This too was covered in a coat of dust. He delicately pulled back the latch and swung open the top to reveal a smooth ebony wand. His mother's wand.

He went back downstairs, taking great pains not to wake the slumbering man. His mother was sitting in a threadbare armchair next to a meager fire in the sitting room. Her own black hair was tousled and framed her oval face, which was shiny from tears and perspiration. A livid purple bruise was forming on her cheek. She was staring at a small vial of dark green liquid that she held between her thumb and forefinger. She looked up as Severus approached. "That's a good boy," she whispered. Her voice was empty and cold and it scared Severus slightly. When he was within arm's length of her, he handed her the wand. She took it from him, her fingers brushing his. They were rough and calloused from the work she was forced to do. Muggle work. The familiar feeling of acidic bile rose in his throat as he thought of it.

Eileen Snape uttered a charm while pointing the wand at her face, and the bruise faded away like a flower unblooming. "He won't ever remember giving it to me, so it won't be a problem," she said in reply to Severus' worried expression.

"What is that?" he asked, pointing a thin finger at the vial in his mother's hand.

"A mistake," she said as she smiled grimly. "A mistake that I am very tempted to use." She sighed, a small exhaling of breath that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "A poison," he whispered. "You want to kill him."

She looked up at him, her sharp grey eyes meeting his inky black ones. "Believe you me, this wasn't impulsive. No...this took me two months to brew. I told him I was making him a Prosperity Potion. You know how he is, if it's something for him, he doesn't mind." She pocketed the liquid. "I'm still very proficient. He hasn't taken that away from me. And he won't ever take that away from you, either."

Severus felt tears sting his eyes and he brushed them harshley away with his sleeve. He was not weak. He was not his mother.


	2. Letting Go

Chapter Two

"Are you excited, boy?" Tobias Snape sneered at Severus across the breakfast table. Severus set his fork down on his plate, and his father winced at the sound of metal clinking against the china. He really had gotten quite inebriated the night before.

"Excited about what, sir?" Severus' voice was quiet; he did not want to have another plate of food flung at his head for being 'insolent'.

"You're going back to that school tomorrow. Well, I can't say I'm sad to be rid of you."

His mother entered the kitchen. She took off her stained apron and laid it on a hook on the pantry door. "Are you ready to go into Diagon Alley, dear?" she asked Severus. Severus nodded, standing and picking up his empty plate. "Oi, take mine too, boy," said his father. Severus shot him the briefest of glares before setting both dishes into the sink.

Eileen wrapped a dark travelling cloak around herself, and Severus did the same.

"Bring your trunk," she said to him.

"But...I don't need it until tomorrow."

"Don't argue with me." Severus obliged by running upstairs to his tiny bedroom and bringing down the large black steamer trunk.

They stood before the fireplace and Severus handed the pot of floo powder to his mother. She stepped into the sooty enclosure, and smiling at her son, "Diagon Alley", she was gone in a green flash. Severus looked back once at his father, who was pouring his second drink of the morning, and followed his mother.

As they were leaving Flourish and Blotts, his mother starting walking toward Knockturn Alley. Alarmed, Severus inquired, "Mum...where are we going?"

"I'm selling the poison. I expect I'll fetch a fair bit for it. I can buy something for you, wouldn't that be nice?" Her voice was falsely cheery and Severus hated that more than anything. He stopped her by grabbing her arm. She flinched, which made him feel guilty for touching her. "You can't sell it." She turned to him, and in that moment, he looked very young. In his eyes, the soft part of him - the part that he tried to repress - showed through. She touched the side of his face.

"I will not be a murderer." She kissed his forehead, and he wrenched away. "You _need_ it," he insisted. "He's going to hurt you, badly, and I won't be there...I won't be there to get your wand for you." His voice broke. "I know you only make me do it so I can feel as if I'm helping. But it just makes me feel even more weak. All I can do is watch you as you hide the truth."

"Severus, please -"

"No!" He closed his eyes, wanting to scream at the top of his lungs. When he opened them again, he saw that his mother was crying. "If you sell it...I won't go back to school."

She stared at him for a moment, then handed him the vial and a satchel full of what felt like gold. Severus looked at her, confounded. "What am I to do with this?" She put her hands on his shoulders, and drew him near. "Keep it. But hide it. Don't look at it, don't use it, keep it where no can ever find it. If something happens...do with it what you feel you must. But I will not."

Severus felt faint. "And the gold?"

"I want you to spend the night at the Leaky Cauldron. Get on the train tomorrow. It's simple. I just don't want you coming back tonight. For your sake." She turned as if to leave.

"Mother!" She stopped, but didn't look back at him. "You can stay with me. You can stay with me, and you don't have to go back to him. You can work, you're a witch. Stay here."

She finally turned around. "Severus, there is nothing left for me."

"If you don't do this, if you return to him, it's your own fault!"

She laughed. "Do you honestly believe I don't already know that? I knew that the day I married him. Then I had you, and I was happy. But I was also trapped. I love you, I don't want you to think otherwise. It's just too late for me. I've been broken, inside. You can't see it, but it's worse than any wound he could ever give me. It's not too late for you. I just want you to live, and I don't think it helps for you to see me. When you turn seventeen, I don't ever want to see you again."

Severus felt as if he had been slapped. "What?" he whispered.

"Don't come back." She took a few steps back from him. "I love you. But don't come back."

And with that, his mother had walked out of his life.


	3. the Letter

Severus sat in the small, dirty room above the Leaky Cauldron. He was reclined on the flimsy bed, reading one of his textbooks that he had bought for his sixth year.

With a suddern jerky motion, he flung the book onto the floor and stood.

He walked over to the grimy window. He currently could not see much because of an immense amount of rain and fog. Instead, he was treated to his own reflection.

He traced the outline of his face with his finger, causing droplets of cold water to slide down the glass. Staring at himself, he whispered, "Why is this me?"

Just then, he heard the flutter of wings struggling through the beating rain, and saw a grey, feathery form outside his window. He opened it, letting in a gust of wind and the wet bird.

It dropped a sopping wet letter onto the bed, and flew back out again in a hurry. Severus frowned, shut the window and picked up the letter. He opened it wearily as he took a seat at the edge of the mattress.

_Dear Severus_

_I know that you think I've acted on impulse. You must understand that I've seen this coming for quite a period of time. I realise that life with your father and I has been...well, I daresay that life for you must have been difficult, and a disappointment. I feel as if I've failed you._

_Severus, I have been weak. You have seen me at my weakest. This is not an example you should follow. However, if you ever emulate the behaviour that your father has demonstrated all of these years, I am afraid that will be the day that I will no longer be able to call you my son._

_Yes, you are still my son. What I have done may seem harsh, even cruel now, but I am doing what is best for you. I am letting you go before you are forced to let me go. You are intelligent and you can handle yourself. I was once like you. I thought I could take on the world. I was cocky; I was a Slytherin. I know that I am no longer. I know that I am lowlier than any Muggle. _

_You will never be like that. You must believe with all your heart that no one, not one person, is worth more to this world than you. That is what I did, and now I am lost. Please, promise me that you will always remain strong. I am so proud of you, you will never know. I am proud because you have survived being my son._

_During the holidays, I wish to travel to Hogsmeade. I would like to see you, I miss you already. But you can't come back here. I was rash when I said that I never want to see you again. This is not true. Please tell me that you will meet me at Christmastime._

_Love always, your mother._

Severus would not answer her. Not just yet.


	4. On the Train

Severus crossed the barrier of Platform 9 and 3/4, pushing his trunk in front of him.

The platform was bustling with students and parents. The Hogwarts Express was belching steam into the air, which made his eyes water slightly.

He decided to board the train to get first pick at an empty compartment, as he hated sharing with people he considered intellectually inferior to himself. He hated listening to their mundane chatter.

A voice interrupted him before he could reach the stairs. "Oi, Snivellus...you look even uglier this term, if that's even possible." Severus cringed as a loud, barking laugh followed these words. He turned to see a grinning James Potter and guffawing Sirius Black. Little pathetic Peter Pettigrew was smiling nervously.

Severus felt a burning need to pull out his wand and jinx all three into oblivion, but there were far too many adults around. Adults who loved and cared for their children, kissing them goodbye. It made him sick. He turned back and made his way onto the train, hearing all three of them break into laughter.

He slid into the first empty compartment he saw, put his trunk in the luggage rack, and slumped down on the seat. He closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of shuffling feet, talking, and commotion outside the window and in the corridors. It slowly faded to background noise as his thoughts drifted away from the present. This was almost a relief, when he did this. He could almost forget.

A girl's voiced pierced through the falling, fading sensation in his mind. He sat up and peered out of his window. He spotted a red-haired girl gesturing animatedly to one of her friends. Lily Evans. Severus sneered at the thought of the Mudblood, until he heard what she was saying.

"He is so full of himself. I swear, if Potter's head gets any bigger, you could use it as a Quaffle. He actually tried to ask me out, the git. So I can sit in Hogmeade listening to how many Snitches he's caught?" Her friend laughed as Lily rolled her eyes. Severus smiled slightly to himself.

So the object of Potter's affection saw him the same light as Severus did. That was indeed interesting. As he stared at the girl, he noticed how much her skin glowed, illuminating her features, including jewel-bright green eyes that lit up whenever she had something to say. Severus shook himself out of these ruminations. Lily Evans was just as superficial as any Hogwarts student, and a Mudblood to boot. She wasn't worth his time, and neither was Potter.

Severus was intently reading his Advanced Potions book which had been handed down to him from his mother. This year, he would begin using it in class, but he had been reading it since he was a first year. He often added his own notes to the book, and it was much more valuable to him than any sentimental diary.

He heard the compartment door slide open but he did not look up from his book. "In here all alone, Sev?" He glanced up to see Bellatrix Black standing in the doorway of the compartment, her arms crossed in a display of arrogance and perhaps to say that if provoked, she would prove to be aggressive. Bellatrix was the queen of body language.

"Am I in here alone? Why don't you search the two cubic metres of space and find out?" Severus didn't have the patience for her mind games. He wished she would just invite him to her compartment and get it over with.

She made an expression that he supposed was supposed to be interpreted as a sneer; in fact, it resembled more of a twisted grin. "See you at school, then."

She turned on her heel and left, not bothering to close the door behind her. As Severus stood and did just that, he felt inexplicably bereft.


	5. In the Face of Sunlight

The sunlight was beating into the crown of Severus' head. He sat under a tree, languidly using his wand to make different objects float in front of him. He was on the school grounds; it was the first weekend of the school year. Other people sat in groups, chatting with friends, completing coursework, and being maddeningly happy. He was not, by any stretch of the imagination, happy.

A piece of parchment, a bottle of ink, and a quill sat at his feet. He had intended to write back to his mother, telling her that he would not be meeting her in Hogsmeade during winter holiday. He came to this conclusion as he lay sleepless in his dorm the night before. She could not just let go of him, break the semblance of heart he had left, and just beckon him back again, as if he were a chastened dog who was now forgiven. Unlike his mother, Severus had quite a bit more dignity than that.

Still, there was an odd, squirming sort of feeling in the deepest recesses of his conscience. He felt, simply, bad for saying no to her. Despite his anger, he realised that she had sacrified quite a bit for his sake. Yet he couldn't quite bring himself to give her what she most wanted: time with her son, unimpeded by his father. Why couldn't he?

_Because I'm not a good person._

The thought sprang into his mind with no prompting. It surprised himself. Why would he think this?

It must be true.


	6. Indecent Proposal

Severus was cleaning out his cauldron and putting away his belongings after a particularly interesting Potions lesson. As usual, there was no one sitting in his proximity, as he did not permit other students to talk to him during lessons.

There were few people in NEWT level potions, less than a dozen. One of those people was Lily Evans. As he glanced up, he saw her smiling at another student as she charmed the contents of her own cauldron out of sight. The other student, a plump blonde haired girl, was talking to Lily animatedly. Severus would have been quite annoyed had he been subjected to such excited babbling. Lily, however, just looked patient and genuinely interested.

Severus stood and followed the two as they walked toward the exit of the dungeon classroom, when Professor Slughorn's voice rang out. "Ms. Evans, may I have a word with you?" The girl waved goodbye to the now silent blonde and turned obligingly to Slughorn.

"You too, Mr. Snape. This also concerns you."

Severus, bemused, joined Lily's side as they both looked at the potions master expectantly.

Slughorn smiled genially. "As you both must be aware, you are two of the most talented Potions students in this school. This is a very important year, the year of preparation before your NEWTs. As such, I have a proposal for you." He placed his hands behind his back and paced around his desk, relishing the dramatic effect as they both watched him, Lily's face evident of anticipation and Severus' of thinly veiled impatience.

"I thought of an idea this morning after breakfast, as I graded both of your recent Potions essays. I believe that the two of you...should work on a special project for me. The benefits being you get to work ahead of your peers, learn some very interesting things, and each recieve absolutely glowing letters of recommendation from myself. I also think that when the two of you put your brilliant heads together, you will come up with something extraordinary."

Lily spoke first, her voice hesitant. "But...Professor...what do you want us to work on...specifically?"

Slughorn laughed. "Oh, you know...maybe some new experiments or theories, or you could expound on some of the more complicated lessons in Advanced Potion Making. I really believe that this will be a very good thing for the both of you. Oh, don't look so skeptical, Severus."

Severus did not look amused. "And we are to work on this project together?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Did you not hear what Professor Slughorn said?"

Severus acted as if he hadn't heard her. "In conjunction with our regular coursework?"

Slughorn smiled. "Only if you wish to continue with the coursework. I believe you are both ahead of everyone, and this project would be just as good as a year of study. So, do you agree?"

Severus glanced sidelong at Lily. "Do we have a choice?"

Slughorn clapped them both on the shoulders. "Excellent, excellent. I'm looking forward to your first report already."

And with that, Severus and Lily were...partners.


	7. Meeting of the Minds

Severus approached the Gryffindor table at lunch. He was vaguely annoyed at how loud and unruly the occupants of this particular are of the Great Hall seemed in comparison to the Slytherins. He slowly approaced the spot where Lily Evans sat, sipping pumpkin juice and telling an apparently amusing story, as several other students observed her with rapt attention; James Potter couldn't seem to take his eyes off of her, even though Sirius Black sat next to him, trying to get his attention.

Severus cleared his throat quietly. Quite a few people looked up at him, but not, unfortunately, Lily. Potter sneered at him.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

Lily finally caught Severus' eye. "I suppose you want to talk about the project," she asked, both of them ignoring Potter's rudeness. Her tone of voice was decidely more friendly. "You would be correct," Severus replied politely. It seemed odd, this. As if the two of them were at a dinner party or something equally tedious and overly social.

"I'll meet you in the library after dinner. I finished my assigned work during free period," Lily told him briskly.

He couldn't help but smirk, for he had also done the same thing. "That sounds satisfactory." He turned on his heel and walked away from the table.

"Evans loves Snivellus," Potter's voice rang out. "James, that was uncalled for," Remus Lupin spoke up wearily.

"No, it's alright Remus. I can think of a lot worse insults than that," said Lily coldly.

As Severus returned to the Slytherin table, he felt an odd sense of well-being.

Severus watched intently as he saw Lily get up from the dinner table and made her way to the entrance hall. He too stood and sprinted after her.

"Li - Evans," he called out. Lily stopped in her tracks, turning to face him.

"Snape," she said, her voice somewhat terse.

"I saw you get up and I reckoned that we should walk up to the library together. Seeing as we're both finished with dinner and at the same place."

Lily smiled slightly. "Yes, I suppose that would be the practical thing to do."

Severus nodded, and they both made their way to the library.

As they walked, Lily spoke up. "What I was thinking is...we should brainstorm ideas first, to set up for an outline of our thesis." She glanced sidelong at Severus. "And on your opinion on that is...?" Severus cleared his throat. "I actually thinking along similar lines," he told her.

They reached the library, quieting as they entered, for Madam Pince had suddenly latched her gaze unto them at their arrival. They almost tip-toed to an unoccupied table as far from the overbearing librarian as they could manage.

Severus motioned for her to sit. "I'll bring us some books, for inspiration." She nodded and settled herself into a seat.

He immediately made a beeline for the restricted section. If they wished to impress Slughorn, he was sure this was the place to look. He picked out a particularly weighty tome of spectacularly advanced potions, a text outlining different theories throughout magical history, and a commpendium of unusual ingredients. He returned to the table, and as he set the books down, a cloud of dust rose into the air.

Lily frowned. "You went to the restricted section. Why?"

Severus sighed. "Are you reticent about learning something new?"

The corners of her mouth twitched. "What sixteen year old actually speaks like that?"

Severus glared at her. "Obviously, I do." He pulled out a seat. "If we are to impress Professor Slughorn, we have to show him something new. Not just the usual simpering essays. He expects much more from me...us." Lily stared down at the books. "I suppose so," she muttered. Severus looked pleased. "Then let's start. I'm going to look through the theories...you may look through whichever book you'd like. We'll write our ideas down, and then when we've finished, we'll compare notes."

Lily's expression instantly turned amused. "Have you been thinking about this all day?"

"I've been _thinking _about my marks, and successfully entering into my NEWT level next year with more than sufficient knowledge and preparation. Now, shall we begin?"

She said nothing in reply, but starting thumbing through the potions book. Every so often, she shot him a fleeting glare. He ignored this and pored over the theories that interested him the most.

Suddenly, a passage caught his eye.

_Elixer of Lethe_

_A potion that erases the memory of the drinker. Unlike certain charms or spells, this potion is complete in its eradification. Caution must be taken when administering the Elixer. Any amount that is more or less than the proper dosage will have disastrous effects upon such person, the most grave being death._

_Due to the severe effects of this potion, precious few potioneers deign to brew it; the effort involved and the low demand make it essentially worthless._

"I've found something."

Lily looked up. "Show me." He slid the book across the table to her.

As she read, she looked increasingly more uncertain. "You wish to attempt to make this?"

"No. I wish to merely write a thesis exploring the different effects that it may have if one were to modify it. With your assistance, of course."

Lily bit her lip. "That would impress Slughorn, I have to agree. But as long as it's just for the sake of the project." She looked at him suspiciously.

Severus pulled the book away from her. "Of course," he said, closing it. "I don't go around brewing dangerous potions for my amusement. Now let's get started."


	8. Fight and Flight

Severus stood amongst the filth and droppings in the owlery, surveying his surroundings with an expression of distaste splayed upon his countenance. He searched for the most agreeable-looking owl, parchment rolled up in his hand. He had finally composed the letter to his mother, and had indeed decided not to acquiesce to her request for a meeting in Hogsmeade.

He selected a plain barn owl who seemed rather calm and oddly dignified. The bird remained perfectly still as Severus tied the letter to its leg. "Eileen Snape...Spinner's End." The owl gave an obliging hoot and flew off into the fading sunlight.

"Is Eileen Snape your mother?" A female voice issued from behind him. He spun around, annoyed at being eavesdropped upon. "Is it any of your business?" he retorted. He then realised he was speaking to Lily Evans. "Did you follow me here?"

"Oh, yes, Severus, because you are the only one in this school who sends letters." She held up her own.

"That doesn't mean you didn't follow me." Merlin, was he...flirting with the girl?

Lily called down her own owl, a beautiful tawny. "Quite the sleuth, you are. Maybe you can find some manners."

Severus smiled slightly despite himself. It was a rare occurence. "Since you are here, perhaps we should set another time for study. The library served its purpose quite well, so obviously we will meet there again. What about this afternoon?"

She laughed as her owl set off on its journey. She watched it depart for a moment, then turned her gaze once more upon him. "It's a beautiful day. There's a Quidditch match this afternoon."

He remained unfazed. "Then we'll have the library to ourselves. An advantage, as I see it."

"Don't your friends want you to go down to the pitch with them?" she asked, sounding genuinely confused.

His temper flared instantly. "Are you mocking me?"

Lily, taken aback, cast her eyes away from his piercing ones. "I'm not. I just thought..."

"You just assumed I actually _have_ friends. How kind of you. What is your opinion now? That I'm not normal? An anti-social...freak?"

"I thought you didn't care about people's opinions of you?"

He made for the exit, leaving her in his angry wake. "No. I will continue our project myself. Go enjoy your precious Quidditch. I daresay Potter will miss you if you aren't there."

He left Lily standing there alone, looking remarkably sad.


	9. Small Explosions

"I've a peace offering." A heavy, pristine, leather-bound book was set before Severus on one of the library tables. He looked up and Lily Evans stood before him, grinning. Despite the yearning he felt to pick up the tome and inspect it, he ignored it and looked back down at his work. "How was the Quidditch match, then?" he asked brusquely.

"I didn't go. Instead I spent the day ordering this. Took me two letters to Flourish and Blotts, and 2 days for express delivery." She nudged it toward him, bumping his elbow. He looked up at her, glaring. "Do you mind? I'm trying to work on this outline which you've offered no assistance toward."

"Did you not just hear me?" she asked incredulously. "Open the bloody book, you git!"

Other students in the library stared at them curiously, and Madam Pince glowered at them, seemingly preparing herself to strike. To placate her, Lily sat down across from him and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Just...please. At least see what book it is."

"For fear of being hollered at again, insulted, and subsequently being booted from the library, I will," he said. He sighed impatiently and opened the front cover. His eyes lit up instantly. "This is Libatius Borage's published journals," he whispered in awe. "I had seen this but I couldn't aff -," he cut himself off, looking slightly embarrassed. "I couldn't be...bothered to buy it," he amended.

Lily smiled and gently turned the pages. "It would also be prudent to note that here, in chapter seventeen, he speaks of _modifications of several different memory potions_," she said with emphasis, tapping the page with her finger and in the process, brushing her hand across his. Severus looked up at her with a jolt, feeling a rather odd surge of sensation up his arm, as if hot liquid were coursing through his veins rather...rapidly. He felt nerves tingle and likened them to small little explosions of feeling. He instantly tensed and pulled away from her.

She sat back, satisfied, apparently unaware of anything unusual that may have transpired between them. "What do you say, then? Do you forgive me?"

He regarded her stonily, but inside his heart was racing and his stomach seemed to be performing some ill choreography. "I suppose I'll have to," he replied, "if we're to get any work done."

She laughed good-naturedly as she pulled out her own books, parchment, and quill. "I'm glad to see you're back to your logical self."

In fact, he couldn't have felt more illogical than if he had been a troll.


	10. Confrontation

"Oi, Snivellus."

Severus, who was standing at the sink in the bathroom, looked up and saw Potter's angry face in the mirror. He turned and faced the insolent boy. "Yes, Potter?" His voice was calm, modulated.

"These little cozy library sessions you've been having with Lily have to stop. Now."

"Potter, I am certain that you are aware that we have been assisgned a joint project by Professor Slughorn." Severus paused. "Oh, do forgive me. I tend to forget that you are not familiar with him, due to the fact that you weren't...capable of ascending to NEWT level Potions. I know how much it must have pained you to have been able to share a cauldron with dear Lily."

Potter took out his wand, but not before Severus had.

"So she's Lily now, is she, Snivellus? Whatever happened to 'Mudblood Evans', then? She may have forgotten, she may be all...friendly with you now, but I haven't. You're a Muggle-hater and you love the Dark Arts. Do you honestly think she could ever care for you?"

"That is a question you must direct to her, Potter. The only conversations that we have are ones that concern our research. If not for this project, I would not deign to spend time interacting with anyone outside of my House. Just as you fraternise with your fellow Gryffindors."

Potter laughed snidely. "Except I never see _you _with any Slytherins. You always have that greasy nose in a book. Ever since Malfoy graduated, you've been quite alone, haven't you?"

Severus smirked. "I'm flattered that you feel I deserve so much of your observation. Perhaps if you stopped lavishing such attention on the males of Hogwarts, you might have already been with Lily by now."

Potter looked to be on verge of jinxing Severus when Professor Slughorn entered the bathroom.

"Ah, I thought I heard voices in here," the portly man exclaimed. "Mr. Snape, would you please accompany me to my office? I wish to discuss some matters with you." He inclined his head politely in Potter's direction. "I do apologise for tearing you away from your friend here." He clapped a hand on Severus' shoulder and steered him out of the bathroom, leaving Potter behind looking severely wrong-footed.

Severus smirked at him over his shoulder as they exited.


	11. Derailed

Slughorn settled himself comfortably at his desk, rummaging through the drawers through something before extending his hand at Severus, the gesture to seat himself. He pulled out a chair, seating himself directly across from the professor, whose eyes lit up when his hand found the bag of sweets he had been searching for. After Severus declined the half-hearted offer with a nod of his head, he cleared his throat. "If you want to discuss the project with us, professor, then perhaps Lily should be here too?"

Slughorn smiled sadly. "I would prefer that, dear Severus, but Lily seems to be sleeping off a sickness in the hospital wing." Severus felt his hands tense, but his face remained impassive. "What is wrong with her, if I may ask?"

"You may, and it seems that she has a simple case of the flu. I wouldn't get too alarmed, it happens to the best of us." The man laughed.

"I am not alarmed," Severus replied smoothly, "just concerned about the status of our work if such a standstill occurs."

"My dear boy, your young friend will surely be good as new within the day! You are aware of how adept our Madam Pomfrey is."

Severus nodded amicably. "Then let us plow on."

"I read your outline, and I have to say, I'm quite impressed. You do realise how tricky this theory is? I insist that any further work be done under my supervision."

Severus felt his insides seem to drop, as if travelling in a faulty lift. "I...well, of course. I...I understand." He gripped the arms of his chair, his knuckles turning white. He felt an odd sense of rage and frustration boiling inside him.

"Good, good. After Lily gets well, you shall continue the work in the potions dungeon. Either I or a trusted assistant shall be watching over your progress. You may continue on your way, Severus."

Severus left his Head of House's office, and walked along the deserted corridor. How could he continue along his intended path if he were watched over by the professor, or more annoyingly so, a seventh-year know-it-all? Lily had been easy enough to persuade, but Slughorn would see right through him.

Severus stopped abruptyl, spotting a tapestry of a beautiful woman, holding a bouquet of flowers. She was smiling insipidly at the viewer, blinking slowly and surreptitiously preening. _Lily_, he thought, and he smiled to himself.


	12. Rallying

Severus made sure it was later at night when he entered the Hospital Wing to visit Lily. He didn't want anyone else near him for this.

He carried a small bouquet of dark violet flowers. He looked up as Madam Pomfrey approached him, and he arranged his features into the appropriate expression. "Please, Madam, I know the hour is late, but I must see her." He used just the right amount of inflection of pleading. "I have something I must tell her." He glanced down at the flowers, leading her eyes to follow suit.

"Oh, dear," she sighed. "I suppose I'd be heartless to say no." She paused. "Ten minutes," she added, before retreating back into her office, closing the door behind her.

Severus crept toward Lily's bed, and was glad to see that no one else was currently under the infirmary's care. "I brought you flowers," he whispered. Lily startled, dropping the book she was reading. "Severus, you shouldn't creep up on people like that," she admonished. She paused as his previous words seemed to sink in. "Wait..._you _brought me flowers?" He set them gently on the end table next to her bed. "I'm glad to see that despite your ailment, you still have the irritable habit of repeating everything I say," he remarked as he pulled up a chair.

"I was only given ten minutes, and we musn't waste it with inane chatter," he continued." Professor Slughorn, I believe, wishes to take credit for our work."

Lily shook her head, shocked. "_What?_ Where in the world do you get an idea like that?"

"He wants to oversee the rest of our work. He wishes to interfere. He's a Slytherin, Lily, and he's obsessed with gaining the most amount of money and influence. I don't trust him anymore."

Lily sat up, staring at him shrewdly. "This hasn't anything to do with an ulterior motive on your part then, perhaps something to do with the memory potion?"

"We will perform some of the work under his watchful eye, but I believe it would be wise to keep...some of our progress from him. As a precaution."

He looked at her. "I know this is important to you, too."

Lily swallowed, looking away from him. "I suppose...as a precaution..."

Severus smirked, knowing she couldn't see his face. She turned back to him, and he reverted back to his concerned expression. "I have a request to ask of you, Severus."

He nodded. "Go on."

"As you're probably aware, at the end of the month there is a Hogsmeade weekend." She paused, gauging his reaction.

"Are you going to ask me if I'm going to go with my friends?" he asked wryly.

"No," she replied, "because now I know that you haven't any."

Severus was slightly taken aback at her bluntness. "Your point, then?"

"I want you to come to Hogsmeade with me."

Severus frowned. "And why would you want a thing like that?"

Lily sighed. "Alice will be busy that weekend. I don't feel like going with a group. I want to go with you."

Severus smirked openly this time. "Are you suggesting that I stand in for a teenaged girl?"

"I enjoy the time I spend with you, though the reason why is beyond me. I just do," she blurted out.

Severus paused, thinking for several long moments. "I believe that you should kiss me now."

Lily's eyes widened. "What!"

"Madam Pomfrey is observing us, and I made her believe that I came here to tell you that I love you or some such nonsense. So, you should probably kiss me. For the desired effect."

So sudden that the action, rather than the force, caught Severus offguard, Lily's hand had reached out to slap him on the cheek. He stood quickly, trying to regain his composure. Oddly, he was not angry at the display of violence, but merely stunned. "I suppose that can also be an appropriate reaction to such a proclamation." He turned to leave the room, but before he exited, he said over his shoulder, "The Hogsmeade weekend...I'll accompany you."


	13. the Little Death

Lily sat down next to Severus at breakfast in the Great Hall. She smiled at him with great aplomb. "Are you ready?", she asked. Severus nodded, still looking down at his cereal. Several Slytherins were staring at them with malevolent interest, and he could feel a sensation of heat building in his face. "Good. Let's get a head start, then." She stood, and stared down at him expectantly. He followed her obediantly to the entrance hall.

As they walked down the path toward Hogsmeade, Lily attempted to make conversation. "We've made a lot of progress, haven't we?" Severus glanced at her. "Yes, I believe we'll be finished by Christmas holiday."

Lily grinned. "I meant progress with _us."_

Severus felt as if a presence were quickly closing in on him. "Oh, well, yes, I suppose. You don't annoy me quite so much anymore."

She rolled her eyes, then took his arm. "You're a git, you know that?"

They continued in silence, finally reaching the wizarding village. "Where to first?" she asked.

"This outing was your idea. You tell me."

"Well, I wouldn't dare take you into Madam Puddifoot's."

Severus smirked. "And if you tried, I'd jinx you into a tea cozy."

Lily turned to him, seeming to lose her patience. "You don't have to act like this anymore!"

Severus took a step back from her, alarmed. "Act like what?"

"Like...you hate me or something."

He looked down at his hands. He suddenly felt very cold. "I...I don't hate you."

"You could have fooled me!"

Severus took her hand. "This would be much more easier for me if you could just see how much I _like _you," he said roughly.

"You...what?"

"Don't make me repeat it," he said impatiently.

She moved a little closer to him. "Severus, I didn't know...I had no idea." She laughed a little.

He pulled back, angry. "Don't _laugh_ at me."

She pulled him back. "I'm not laughing at you."

"I'm tired of this! I'm tired of being mocked, tired of being harrassed by Potter." He attempted to break away from her grasp.

"Severus!"

"What?"

She leaned in toward him, and he felt it again, the hot sensation. It was a moment before he realised that it was her breath against his skin. She was coming very close...part of him wanted to pull away, wanted to run far away from there. The other part wanted to meet her incoming lips, and it seemed as if he didn't have a choice.

They were soft, and warm, and it spread through him like a poison. Parts of him seemed to be waking up from a very long sleep; he felt like he was swaying, as if at sea. He felt so many things at once, as if he were many different people. Yet he wouldn't have wished to be anyone else at that very moment. He pressed his lips against hers, and tasted something sweet. A hand crept tentatively up, caressing her hair. Her hair, it felt the way that hair feels underwater, incredibly smooth and light. He could have been standing in a snow storm and still the warmth would have engulfed him.

She pulled back, and stared into his eyes. He, stunned, took a deep breath. "That was..." He laughed a little. "I can't say what that was."

"That was a kiss."

"I'm aware of that."

She wrapped her hand around his as he repressed a shiver. "Shall we go to the Three Broomsticks?" she asked. He nodded in consent, for he couldn't bring himself to speak again.

They entered the warm confines of the Three Broomsticks, and chose a small table in the back. They ordered two butterbeers, and took off their cloaks, leaning back in the wonderfully comfortable chairs.

"Before you wonder if I didn't," she said, "I enjoyed that."

He looked down at the table. "It felt like...it felt like what being safe might feel like."

"Are you not accustomed to that?"

"Not at all," he told her matter-of-factly.

She leaned over the table, and kissed him again, briefly. "I can help you become accustomed to it," she whispered.

"What the hell is this?"

They both looked up, startled. James Potter was looming over them, his features contorted in rage.

Lily gave him a stony glare. "You kissed Alice," she said calmly.

"So this is revenge?"

Severus looked sharply between the two. "Lily?"

"You picked the most pathetic person at Hogwarts, Lily. Congratulations." James turned to Severus. "I hope you enjoyed your little date." He stormed out before Madam Rosmerta could kick him out.

Severus almost couldn't breathe. "You used me," he said. His voice was quiet, but there was a turmoil within it. "You..." He couldn't. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't take seeing her face. He stood. "How could you fool me?"

"Severus, please. I'm sorry. This was...I _did _plan this. But the kiss was real!"

"How can I believe you, you...filthy...mudblood." His words were broken by sobs, and Lily was absolutely alarmed to see that he was crying. He threw the meager amount of gold he had in his pockets down on the table, and turned to leave.

As he stepped outside, he turned and hit the stone wall with so much force that his hand started to flow blood. He didn't care. He knew what he had to do now.


	14. All Wick and Spark

Severus didn't remember making his way to the empty potions dungeon, but he remembered locking the door behind him. He stumbled in the dark until he had the good sense to light his way to his cauldron. It was as it should be, a barely opaque blue. It was beautiful, because it was perfect. People and lives could not be made perfect, but this could be. He had to force himself not to touch it, not to get lost in it.

He knelt onto the cold stone floor, feeling the warmth of the flames beside him. He laid his hand upon the pewter surface, and it hurt. It burned. He could feel a laugh bubbling up inside him. It would, after all, be all right. Nothing could be wrong if he could make things such as this. He didn't need a girl, another word for a bundle of emotions, all wick and spark and damless waters. He certainly didn't need companions; those that jostle for position, in order of attention and approval and laughs. Laughs, as if one cannot laugh by oneself. So many things one can do by oneself, but they choose not to. They choose to do so in company.

Why couldn't he see it before? Lonliness was just another word for weakess, for dependance. His mother and his father both, Lily and James. All of them, drowning in a sea of lonliness, dependant on the collision with one another that would jar them into being aware of being alive. As if one alone cannot realise they are alive.

The professor would be checking on him tomorrow. Imposing himself upon Severus' work, his beautiful creation. That which would wash away the damaged parts. That would not do. He produced a large beaker from his pocket, using it to scoop up a large amount of the potion. Into the rest he poured two single drops of dragon's blood. Just enough to ruin the potion, just enough to make Slughorn think that he was being adventurous; just enough to make Slughorn think that he was inept and harmless.

He pocketed the vial. He had a letter to write.


	15. Prodigal Son

_Dearest Mother,_

_I was rash. After contemplating the matter, I have decided I was out of line for refusing to see you during the holiday. You know, as well as anyone, how difficult it is for me to be truly honest about my feelings. You know that I see such admissions as weakness; I cannot help it. _

_That being said, I do wish to see you. I miss you. I miss your voice, your comforting words. I miss being in the presence of someone who truly understands me. I thought I had found someone else, someone who cared for me; I was wrong. However, I do not wish to speak any further on the subject. It pains me to think about the situation, and I want to put it behind me. Never again will I trust anyone so undeserving. For you see, I have taken your advice to heart. I am worth much more than the affections of the untrustworthy. I do not need others to make my life complete; all I need is myself, and my capable hands._

_Enough of that. Will you meet me at the Hogs Head on the 26th of December? I have a gift for you, and I would very much like to see you. I have much to tell you about my accomplishments in my studies, particularly potions. I daresay you will be proud of me when you hear about the special project I have been entrusted with. I could never have done it without the book, Mother. I could never have done it without you._

_I hope this letter finds you well. Please write me back so I know that everything is all right. How are things with Father? I hope he has not hurt you in any way since I've left. If he has, do not keep it from me. I wish to know. Do not worry about my state of mind, Mother. I just wish to know the truth._

_Love,_

_Your son._

_My dear Severus,_

_Oh, son, you do not know how much this letter has cheered me. I do not wish for you to feel guilty, but I cried for days when I read that you did not want to see me. I know, of course, that it was my own fault. I never seem to make the right decisions when it comes to our lives. I am so sorry, Severus. _

_Of course I will meet you at the Hogs Head. The very thought fills me with happiness. I miss you, too, very much. You are and have always been the single shining light in my life. I do not believe that I would still be here upon this earth if it were not for you._

_What is this about a special project? I knew you would excel in potions. Your professor is a very smart man to see the potential and talent in you. I know that you will make him proud. You have already made me the proudest mother a witch could be! I just wish your father weren't so thick-headed, or else I'd tell him the news. I know deep down he loves you, Sev. Please believe that. He just drinks too much, and his temper can be quite out of control. But if you could have known him as the man he was when I first met him, I know you would love him, too. _

_Do not worry about us, dear. Just concentrate on your schooling. I have my health, and that is all I can ask for. There is nothing that man could do to me that would keep me away from this life, away from you. Though at times I feel like giving up, I cannot and I will not. Not as long as you are in my life._

_I also have some good news for you. It will be my gift for you when I see you upon holiday. _

_Love always, _

_Your Mother._


	16. Caught in the Act

It was the evening before Halloween. Severus hadn't spoken to Lily in two weeks. As a creature of pride, he could not endure the thought of her believing he had forgiven her. He would never forgive her. But he needed her. The potion would certainly be done by the end of November, possibly sooner. However, he needed the girl to convince Slughorn to let her into his private stores; the young wizard feared he was no longer trusted by the genial potions master.

The corridors were relatively empty; students seemed to be holed up in their common rooms, studying or socialising with their peers. Most likely planning some raucous celebration of a useless day. Severus had a destination in mind: the library. It was his best chance at finding Lily. She had known better than to try to seek him out. Although, that hadn't stopped her from holding hands with Potter during lunch one day. It seemed her opinions of the big-head were shifting; it angered the jilted young man even further. As much as he tried to deny he ever had true feelings for the redhead, he still felt like his heart were an acrobat everytime he laid eyes upon her.

He was approaching an oft unoccupied nook near the Gryffindor common room when he heard two muted voices; one male, one female. His heartbeat sped up rapidly, but his steps slowed. He strained his ears, flattening himself against a wall. It was not like him to eavesdrop on petty student affairs, but these voices sounded...familiar.

A quiet laugh floated from the enclave. "No, not like this. Not here." Though the girl sounded firm, her tone was playful.

"Come on, Evans, no one is around to see you with the 'prat Potter' as you called me earlier."

A sneer took over his face as Severus nearly lost his dinner. How offensive. Lily and Potter, probably with their hands all over each other. The mudblood and the half-blood, how fitting.

"Oh, shove off. As if I care what anyone thinks about me. I just can't stand the thought of your reputation improving through association with me." A girlish giggle accompanied this proclamation, a sound that curdled in Severus' ears. She had never giggled that way when she was with him. The words were similar, but her voice...it was high, nervous, as if she were floating on a cloud, enjoying it but afraid she was going to fall off. Exactly how he had always felt with her.

The voices and the laughing ceased. For one second, pure silence. Then sounds, disgusting ones. Kissing and panting. A look of unadulterated disdain replaced the sneer on his face. He drew his wand, and in four flat steps he was standing in plain view of the enamoured witch and wizard. "Lumos," he hissed.

Lily noticed the small orb of light issuing from his wand first. She pushed Potter away from her to get a better view. Her hair was tussled, her face decorated with splotches of pink. Her eyes shone distinctly and her clothes were rumpled in a way that he couldn't help but find extremely attractive. "I...Severus," she breathed.

Potter extricated himself from the girl's embrace, and turned toward the Slytherin. "Snivellus, get out of here." His voice was low, menacing, but Severus couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sorry, was I interrupting something?" The smile, however, stopped past his mouth. His eyes remained stony, fixed upon Lily's guilty yet exhilerated countenance.

Potter began to reach for his wand, but with one swift motion Lily's hand reached out and stopped him. "Not now, James."

Severus ignored the Gryffindor's obvious desire to hex him. "Evans, I wish to speak to you later about our project. Your neglect of our work is apalling. I would suggest you fix your skirt first, though. You look as if you've been run over by the Knight Bus."

With a triumphant smirk unseen by either Lily or Potter, he turned on his heel and marched toward the library.


	17. Tease

Severus tensed as he heard footsteps approaching him where he stood, just meters away from the library entrance. He prayed to no deity in particular that it was Lily. When the scent of her distinctive perfume reached his nose, he was sure of it. With one swift, almost graceful motion he had hold of her arm. Before the confused girl could utter a sound, he had pulled the both of them into an empty store closet. The door slammed shut behind them.

Lily's eyes registered awe and pehaps something else - fear? - as she recognized the wizard who stood before her. "You...you can do wandless magic?" she gasped, out of breath.

"A few spells and charms," he replied lazily. His mother had taught him the summer before his fifth year, during a brief respite from his father's presence.

He latched his gaze on her, taking in every detail. The messy way her hair fell past her shoulders, undoubtedly disturbed from its normal neatness by the unworthy hands of Potter. The way the soft sprinkling of freckles across her face stood out more when her face was flushed, as it was now. And most of all, the way her green eyes could capture him; how he could almost picture himself falling into their depths and find himself swimming away to another world.

"Why are you doing this to me?" His voice remained emotionless despite the question.

The witch gave a frustrated sigh. "And what exactly am I doing to you, Severus?"

Ignoring the question, he burst into an angry tirade. "Why Potter, Lily? Why? Anyone would have been better. For Merlin's sake, Pettigrew would have been better! But Potter...he's arrogant, rude, and manipulative. Worst of all, he thinks he's Merlin's gift to Hogwarts. He's a loathsome prat, and when I see you with him..."

Her eyes were moist with tears now, and he had to jerk his head away. He hated seeing people cry; it always reminded him of his mother. "Severus, I'm sorry." She grabbed his hand before he could pull away. "I'm sorry," she continued," but I can't help the way I feel about James."

The feeling of skin against his sent a shock of heat up his body. It felt as if his skin were tightening around him, as if the walls were starting to close in. She was so close to him. The very smell of her pervaded his senses, filling his mind and forcing everything else out.

As he leaned forward, she moved closer. "I really do like you," she whispered. "That wasn't an act." Before he could comprehend what was happening, the girl had closed the gap between them, planting her soft lips upon his slightly chapped ones. Their tongues had just begun to touch when she pulled away.

The young man could only stand there stunned as Lily turned toward the door. "I'm sorry," she said over her shoulder, "I'm sorry, but this can't happen." The confused girl pulled the door open and exited the small, dark room, leaving Severus in a worse mood than that which he had started the day with.


End file.
